Life Changes in Seconds - The Biggest Change Will Be You

They say that the big life changes happen in seconds. This makes sense to me when I’m forced to think about examples. A baby is born and your life will never be the same. A phone call from a friend in tears, telling you your mutual pal just died from a sudden heart attack. Your heart racing as the announcer rattles off the winning lottery numbers and it’s a match. Your heart racing as you hear the shrill of the fire alarm that wakes you up, the smell of smoke filling your nostrils.

All of them sudden, the consequences immediate. These examples are dramatic. But there are other events that occupy mere seconds where the only immediate effect is the introduction of knowledge that things will never be the same. You will not have the in-your-face evidence that proves to you and others around you that a significant life altering event has just happened. A crying newborn. The charred embers that used to be your home. The crushing silence of the funeral home when everyone except you has departed the chapel.

You will, however, have irrefutable awareness that things will change soon enough, and this too happens in seconds. The devastating phone call is replaced with an errant romantic text to your husband that you weren’t meant to see. An email arrives from your boss, scheduling a personal meeting with the dubious sounding title of “Discussion”. A blood test report from your doctor with a couple of enzyme indicators flagged as excessive. In all cases the evidence of impending change flows from that complex of nerves we know as our gut. You might not be able to see or hear or smell or touch the tangible confirmation of an imminent life altering transformation. But you know. You always know.

Such is the life path of all of us in varying ways and circumstances, and mine has been no different. My life has been forced in new directions for a variety of reasons, none of which I saw coming until they were on my doorstep. The phone calls announcing that your loved ones don’t get to live longer just because you want them to. A snowstorm in a place where they rarely occur that led to more than 40 years (and counting) of wedded bliss. Being overcome by residents of the corporate jungle when I was unable to correctly juggle the balance of a boss’s ego and company initiatives. Just because I can identify the fact that these things will take place doesn’t mean I have immunity.

Last week in a fit of boredom I was doom scrolling LinkedIn. It’s the only social media platform I’m on and while I’ve intentionally prevented my time being vacuumed up by Tik Tok influencers and Facebook Marketplace discounted furniture, I’m still subject to the whims of the algorithm. Amongst the job updates, political rhetoric and energy industry issues, a simple meme caught my attention. It’s something I’ve seen recycled on several occasions and the citations change with time, but the message has remained true. In essence, someone was decrying the idea that everyone on social media seems to have achieved financial freedom, a dream career and enough wisdom to offer life coaching services by the tender ago of 30. The author was soliciting other real life examples. “Show me the 52-year-old that went back to school and achieved her PhD. The 58-year-old that was laid off and started a business. The 65-year-old that wrote and published their first book. The 47-year-old that had to file for bankruptcy and was able to piece together a happy life despite the setback.” Or words to that effect.

Like many others, I can tire of the seemingly impossible achievements that are splashed across social media. The so-called highlight reel, assuming it hasn’t been given a new name. But this was more specific, in part because I’m writing my first book, but primarily because my job vanished at the age of 58. The knowledge of impending change arrived in seconds, as life decrees it will. And it was terrifying.

I was first alerted in a vague meeting invitation from the boss titled, you guessed it, “Discussion.” My spidey senses immediately went into the red zone, for two reasons. First, it was an anomaly. In the corporate world, or at least in my experience of it, if you want to have a chat with someone about work issues, business opportunities, workload management or any of the dozens of things that people may need to work on together, you give them a heads up first. “Hey Jose, we need to talk about how we are going to allocate this new workload.” Or “Shelley, the updated payroll system is causing some employees to miss some of their pay. Let’s sit down to figure out why. I’ll send you a meeting invitation for next week.” Then the invite is sent. No mystery or surprise.

The advance notice will come in the form of an email, phone call, text, Slack message or conversation in the hall. It’s done that way because most corporate cultural lore has stories about the mysterious “Discussion” meeting requests from your manager. No context generally means bad news. If you don’t know that, well now you do. If you’re a manager, supervisor or executive, don’t torture your employees with mystery.

The meeting happened. ‘You’re being laid off. Have a nice day.’ Just another task to be handled in his calendar. A complete life alteration on my end.

So many things run through your head in that moment and the days that follow. ‘Did I do something wrong? How will I pay my bills? Will I be looked at by my company and industry colleagues as a failure? Am I washed up? Can I get another job? What will my family say?’ There are very few good feelings that emerge in that moment. Shame, fear, anger and worry are the dominant voices in your head. They don’t quietly go to sleep at night. At three in the morning they scream at their loudest.

As if that isn’t enough, your professional world starts to shrink like water circling the drain. Many of the people you talked with daily become ghosts. Calls and texts go unanswered. Worry mounts and your fears are reinforced. Dark thoughts about your future well being, finances and basic sense of worth accompany you daily.

If you have read this far, thank you and congratulations. Undoubtedly I’ve created the impression that it was a horrible experience, one which cast a shadow on my life into which the sun will never shine. So, please let me correct the record.

It is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

So, if you’ve read THIS far, you have every reason to think my mind has finally gone. Let me explain.

When all of this occurs, there are indeed some good things that happen, things which would never otherwise occur. The first and most important intervention was the belief and drive of my wife Rosanne. Picking her timing well, she countered my ‘woe is me’ state with the seemingly ludicrous announcement that went something like “This is exactly what you’ve been waiting for!” Which was news to me. Say what? I’ve been waiting to be terminated? Have you been adding psychedelic drugs to your morning cereal?

“Come on” she persisted. “How long have you been telling me there are so many things you would do differently if you were allowed to do so? Things that would fix the problems in the industry you see everyday.”

She had a good point. It’s impressive how she is able, and willing, to distill my experience into a strategy for the future while I was quite happy to wallow in the swamp of despair. Gently but consistently, she advocated for that new direction. Slowly I came around. Could I? Really?

“We’ll do it together” she added in a strong measure of support. “You do your thing, I’ll tackle the business aspects.” She leaned on her training and background, and it was the catalyst to kickstart our future.

My life became much more rich, clear and informed. I found out who my true friends were verses those that merely leveraged my position. The job verses the person. I was forced to evaluate what I truly do bring to the table, once the status and business card evaporate. What can I offer that will actually bring value as opposed to just attending another conference or offering a flashy PowerPoint presentation? What does it mean to really be a friend, and to have one, when the cards aren’t dealt in your favour?  What do I like in life? I mean, what makes me happy? The phone doesn’t ring. No more meeting invitations. All I had was quiet and a lot of time to reflect. What comes next?

I now have the answers to all those questions. In spite of job offers that were made along the way, and thank you to those who did (you know who you are), I decided to start a business. Why? Because I realized that 35 years in an industry must be worth something to someone. The history. Why some things work and others don’t. Knowing the real problems, the big ones, and how they can be fixed. In other words, I decided to bet on myself.

Life is good. I sleep well, delight in the work, have expanded the offerings and enjoy being part of a cadre of professional colleagues that have my back as I have theirs. There are still challenges but I now have the benefit of knowing anything can be overcome. Even the feeling that I was worthless.

Other lessons flowed to me as well. I would be remiss if I didn’t pass them along.

1.      It wasn’t as personal as I originally thought it was. Just business, as they say. Jobs come and go. The only continuous thing in your life is you. Treasure yourself.

2.      Knowing who I am is the most valuable thing I own. I wouldn’t trade that knowledge for anything.

3.      I spent a lot of time curating relationships I thought were real. Most were not, but the ones I have are special, fulfilling and shower me in riches I could never otherwise attain.

4.      The world offers so much more once I realized I didn’t have to be trapped into a specific company or job title. I’m doing really rewarding things now that simply couldn’t have happened before.

5.      Life is short. I’ll be gone one day. So between now and then, I won’t settle for mediocrity, toxic relationships or allow myself to be lazy and not reach high. I don’t get extra credit for wishing I did.

Someone special to me asked the other day what I would do if I could go into a time machine, become 25 again but have no money, education or long CV, just the knowledge I have now. I would have speculated before, but now it was such an easy question to answer. For me, I’d start a business of some sort. Whatever I could. Mowing lawns. Moving furniture. Construction. It wouldn’t matter. He asked why. Because it’s easier? No, it would be harder. Would I make more money? Maybe, or maybe not. Then why?

Because I spent most of my life betting on others. If I was young again, I’d take a chance on myself. Like I’m doing now and loving every minute of it.